What Life Brings Us
I am a 57 year old widow, my newest identity. My husband died September of 2016 in a work related accident. He left for work one morning and never walked back into our home. We were together for just weeks shy of thirty years. Within days I said screw the technicalities and I state 30 years when I talk of us. Daniel was the love of my life and I know I was for him as well. He told me all the time. I gratefully carry that love with me each and every day. We had the romance that people long for. It was wonderfully happy, unexpectedly imperfect and tons of work with some really hard stretches. We got lucky and fell in love over and over again, and had the time of our lives. There will never be enough words to explain who we were together but if you knew us, you understood.
We have three sons and now a daughter in law who I delightedly claim simply as “my daughter”. Our children, who I love More Than Words, like very much, and just happen to adore, are a daily testimony that we did a great job as parents. This fact still sometimes surprises me. I am so blessed to have them by my side in whatever way I need and I am grateful to still be with them. I love them with all that is in me and give back to them whatever I can. The bond of love is unbreakable.
Danny’s death dramatically changed my life and my story. I couldn’t bear to not talk to him so I began writing him each day. When I looked for a book that made me laugh, could give me insight, or just get me out of my head I couldn’t find it. It was suggested I write one. I have been writing a book based on the letters that filled 8 journals for the last year. My desire is to support those who find themselves in the similar circumstance of grief. The book is still a work in progress. What I discovered was I still had things I needed to write about that were pouring out of me. A friend suggested I write a Blog.
A Blog you say? I wasn’t a cook with a challenge, a new Mom and I certainly didn’t have a home in France. Who would possibly want to read what I had to say about everyday thoughts or events. But as I began to write anyway (while I got my act together that it is), figuring out how to start a blog, get a head shot, which blog site was best - I made an interesting discovery. It didn’t matter who would read it. Not that having readers wouldn’t be a lovely feature of this whole experiment. But I am not writing to please or impress others. I write because I must do it or my brain is congested like rush hour traffic. This is decidedly a new thing. Before I would have just called four people and talked their ears off!
My hope is that others can take my experiences or daily observations and find support and encouragement. I hope to inspire others as they navigate their own lives.
I am an expert only in my life, and sometimes that is questionable. I am old, older if you prefer, and have learned a thing or two along the way. I do not act my age and occasionally question the behavior I was raised with. I have grown to like some rebelliousness. I love and give with a whole heart, think fun should always take priority, and one of my new goals this year was to seek that which brings me joy. I am creative, as my currently messy and lately neglected studio will attest to. I am always full of ideas and I have to struggle sometimes to find peace and quiet despite the fact that I often live alone. I play my music too loud and cuss more than I ever used to. And I no longer apologize for either.
I do owe an enormous amount of money to a friend for every time I cuss. I told her when I die I want her to take the money from the life insurance policy I don’t have and travel somewhere wonderful. I can be organized or messy depending on the moment. And I have decided I kind of like these qualities about myself.
I have lived a smaller life at times but the desire to expand the life I now live is a serendipitous part of this gesture. I have no idea if this will be a success or an enormous failure. It is my very own social experiment. But I will do my best to write with love, grace and a sprinkling of comedy. I assure you there will be generous stories of humor at my own expense, since it is something that I am particularly gifted at. I share my life as it unfolds, A Woman Reinvented. Because the truth is, we may all learn something new or gain insight we previously did not have. We may also simply be grateful that our life is better than we thought fifteen minutes earlier.
My goal is to empty my poor exhausted mind, follow a thought process, and offer potential possibilities. I have also discovered that everything I write is also written to me. My ultimate goal is to encourage others as someone has kindly and lovingly done on my behalf. I want people to see that we can overcome the most difficult adversities life brings us. And then we can blow up our life as we see fit, learn to love ourselves so powerfully that we can thrive again, and then make a difference for someone else. I want to have a discussion with the world I live in. This is my gift to others. Not to everyone, because I know that only a small percentage of people will be touched by what I share. But for those, know that I stand beside you in some small way, smile at you, and believe in you. And I am certain that if only for a moment, if I can make one minute of your day better, I will also have made it better for myself, as well as the world we live in.
After I read this and changed it a dozen times I sat back, threw my hands in the air and exclaimed “I Fucking Love My Life” - told you I cuss too much.
XOXO
Barb